A little confession

First thing I'm going to confess is, this post is going to be a discouraging one. I don't know if I will regret posting this. I can't even tell if I am just venting all my unhappiness out here or is this what I really think.

Whatever that I posted before about how I want to change for the better are just useless, crap and rubbish. The reason is because I did not manage to do any of them. (Doesn't mean I will not continuing trying though) 

All those things that say I should not be greedy, should learn to accept the truth and reality, should not expect so much, should be contented with everything I have, should treasure the people around me, should be more optimistic, should start working really hard for my studies etc. I DID NOT EVEN ... Get me out of this bloody hell screwed life please. I abhor where I am at right now. My school, my life, ME. Ever since I leave my secondary school, things became so different. I ALWAYS feel so insecured and when I don't, it does not last for more than a day. My friends, they are so busy. Some friends, they are so near yet unreachable. In school, I'm turned off by the course I'm studying because I realised I have ZERO interest in it. Secondly, I hate my social life there. Hate is a strong word and I always refrain myself from using it as much as I could. I became so hot-tempered and impatient. I am selfish. I am easily jealous. I'm envy of other people for even the slightest thing. I blame this and that. I blame my luck, I blame my fate, I blame it on everything but myself. 

I'm scary, right? 

Whenever I see people who can eat as much as they want without growing tiny bit of fat, I think life is unfair. Whenever I see people with long legs or nice figure or skin tones or complexion, I blame it on genes. Whenever I see people with so much money to spare, I wonder why am I not born in that family. 

I'm evil, right? 

Whenever I see girls around my boyfriend I feel like pulling him away. (I wonder how you'd feel when you see this. You probably have not seen this side of me) I'm like this. If I see my friends making new friends or spending time with them, I get really upset. I am not kind at all. I am not gentle nor feminine. I am not pretty, I am not smart. I feel like dying every time I faces trouble. I'm stressed out, in school and at home. I curse those bad guy/woman in every drama. I told myself MILLIONS of time since I was young that I don't want and never will be like them(I still do now). I find excuses for myself ALL THE TIME. I said everyone deserves happiness. I lied. Evil people will never get happiness. Their minds are drowned with the most wicked thoughts, they are forever and always thinking and planning of how to torture people, how to bring other people down. Pathetic huh.

I am a strong girl. People who knows me know that too. To the point everyone believes that I can protect myself. Now here's another confession. I used to boast about being strong blah blah blah. But what I really hope for (almost all the time) is to have someone whom I can rely on, anytime, anywhere, no matter what happens. 

I ALWAYS monkey see monkey do. I don't even know which is the real me.I don't know what I like. I use the word sui bian (随便,anything) as much as I can when I'm asked to make a choice. I don't know how other people think or feel about me. I'm ALWAYS afraid that people will have negative opinions on me. I'm totally jealous of people who can ignore other people's view and live their own way because I can't. I think my current bf is too perfect? I don't know if it's the truth or I'm thinking this way because I love him LOL. I always feel so small beside him, not literally... I feel that I can never reach his standard. I feel so worthless. More depressing? I cannot even think of a SINGLE reason why he like me. Even when my mum ask me, I can't think of what to reply. I can't even speak up for myself! Whenever I'm asked about that, I feel so inferior. My confidence level just simply drop to a negative. He knows what he wants and goes for it. Me? I don't even have a proper cca. I claimed that I love dancing. When did I ever bother to take up classes? Blame it on the fees again or say that the school's dance cca standard is too high for me. Or missing another chance for audition because I'm scared and then find excuses like I went for some bazaar to support my friend that's why. He'll properly be doing better now without me, this burden.  

Yesterday, I said I gonna do my tutorial assignments but I ended up going to bed without even touching my bag. Forever procrastinating. 

Okay, now I'm considering if I should change my post title A little confession  The hideous side of me. But then again, it sounds so creepy. Shall stick with confession then :/

Have I changed? Who can tell me. Who can help me find back that me I used to be? Call me if you think you can. This is a moronic sentence. *weak laughs*

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Sooooo, I accompanied mummy to the Doctor in the morning. I suspect that I'm the culprit who passed my flu to her :/ But hers was more serious, maybe because my immune system is much stronger than hers. After that had lunch at northpoint. Before heading home, bought some bread and starbucks!!! Had toffee nut frapp :') I love whipped cream hehe but can't drink much because it was too sweet. Jogged at night and had a good bath. Definitely make me feel much better ☺ Had a croissant, a whole tube of sweet corn and some apples for dinner. Tomorrow's school again. Booooooooooooooo :( Goodbye.