Last night, I made a big mistake. Really big mistake. I was asked to do a forfeit because I lost a game while playing with my friends and the forfeit is to call someone. So I called zw and lied to him :/ I admit, I went overboard. I should not have lied about this kind of thing, seriously. I'm full of regrets upon recalling how stupid I was. What the hell is wrong with me at that time man. To actually joke around with this kind of thing. He was so serious and I can see that he really wanted to help. But what did I give him in return? Make him sound like a fool. I'm such a bad
我是个放羊的小孩.
Another thing I'm guilty about: dragging Richard into this matter. I thought as long as I say his name zw would not be angry with this prank. How naive. Everything I did is just... wrong.
Today, the NYJC peeps got back their promo results, formally. 8 of the ex-cchyians have to retain and two of them were my upper sec classmates. I was taken aback when jt told me about this. It was just so unexpected and it took me awhile before I know how to react. I don't know what to do. I wanted to call/text them so much to show my concern. But at the same time, I'm afraid that not only it would be useless, it will also make them feel even more worse. So I thought, I should just keep quiet and do nothing. I don't know if I did it right.
One more thing. I read adeline's blog today and had a really unpleasant (?) feeling. I don't know if I used the right word. I can't think of other vocabulary to describe this negative feeling. She sounded so upset and left out. She sounded so depressed and helpless. I can somehow understand the way she's feeling since part of it is what I am experiencing too.
But I would honestly say that I'm more fortunate because at least I got yz accompanying me almost everyday. He's the one who always occupy and fill up all the emptiness in me when I'm feeling that way. I know without him, I would still have my best of the best girlfriends who would be 24/7 there for me. But still, it's not the same. Just like, you can't get married with your girlfriends right? :/ HOWEVER, that does not mean I can't live without a guy in my life. I would deny that until the day I lie in the coffin. AND ALSO, I still love my girlfriends very very much, xx.
Okay back to adeline. I felt so useless as a friend. I don't know what I should say to comfort her. I'm afraid I would say the wrong thing. That's like rubbing salt on her wound. I don't want to make her feel more miserable. I don't wish to hurt anyone. I don't know if I totally understood her feelings because sometimes, some things just cannot be explained with words. Everyone has different thinking.
Take myself for example. When I'm feeling down, a pair of listening ears is ALL that I need. You don't have to give me advice or worry that you can't help solve my problem. Because really, I just need someone who gives me all his/her attention at that moment and listen to me.
Yes, after typing this, I thought of zw. He's a veryvery good listener and I feel good after confiding to him. WHY DID I LIE TO HIM.
That's an example of me. I don't know about others so I don't know what I should do. I have no confidence in myself. I don't seem to know what's right and what's wrong. What I should do and what I should not do. What I can do and what I cannot do. What's wrong with me?
Don't act like a spoilt kid.
Learn to take care of yourself.
Behave like an adult.
Please, grow up.
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