小丑

在这个冰冷的城市里，我是个疯子

在这个奢侈繁华的世界里，我是个穷人

此时此刻，我对我活在的这个世界充满了恨与埋怨

我对那些目中无人的生物厌恶至极

我不明白为什么会有不懂中文的华人

现在的世界，或者，现在我生活的地方，越来越多不懂的中文的人

我不了解。

是因为觉得中文不重要？

为什么有些人让我感觉他们觉得中文很好似乎不是件令人自豪的事？

为什么我们都要假冒，或者说，模仿西洋人？

为了前途？为了面子？

前途又是什么？

金钱？名利？

还是那为了达到目的而不择手段，伪善，丑陋的心？

贪图名利的人想尽千方百计，希望能够高高在上

但他们却不晓得在别人眼里，他们是多么的可怜可悲

握有再多的奖状和奖杯，却一点也不晓得做人的道理，道德，你也只不过是个机械人。

这些都是在未来科技更为发达时期，就能够轻而易举被取代的条件。 难道不是吗？

人类之所以永远无法被取代，原因只有一个

我们有感觉，有心跳，有感情

但是现在我所看到的，听到的，体验到的，都让我感觉仿佛活在机械世界里

我无法安心沉睡，无法放心对人笑，对人诉说自己的内心世界

人们的假面，背后向你捅来的刀子

能够让我毫无忧虑相处的，只有纯净如白纸般的婴儿，小孩

但是每想到他们的未来，我便充满担忧

担心这些白纸将来会被粘上污点

我更恨欺骗

谎言似乎成了家常便饭，听听也习惯了

悲哀的是，明明知道事情的真相但是对方嘴里却吐出来的一串串谎言

不知该笑该哭，久了，心也寒了。

不再对那人抱有任何期盼，只有失望再失望

曾抱过放弃这段人生的想法，却从来没胆真做

不是一次两次，而是无数次的念头

过马路时被车撞，吞药，坠楼，跳海，割腕...

这些都无时无刻出现在我脑海里

在这里，自杀是犯法的

但请问，如果某人甚至连死亡都不再畏惧，那么犯法的处罚又有何意义？

我的人生，毫无目标，我完全不晓得未来的路该怎么走

有时候，坐下来好好想

想着想着，越想越累，越想越感到挫折

累了，不想再走了

或许是我懦弱，没志气

或许是我悲观，没有意志力

但是，我没有办法

没有办法阻止这些念头，刻印在我脑海中

没有办法把他们删除。

我的恨与怨念一直在身边徘徊...

我死后，应该会变成怨鬼吧

Can an ugly duckling really turn into a beautiful swan?

It's been a month since i blogged!!! Oh no. Holidays were pretty busy and packed, there are just so many things I want to write about I don't know where to start. Sorry but, I'm not intending to continue my "Holiday Part 2" for this post. Two reasons. Firstly, I need time to organize and for me to write a longggg post. Secondly, I am not in the mood to post those happy stuff today.

I'll blame it on school re-open perhaps, for the reasons for me being so pessimistic,sensitive,hot-tempered and more and more recently. I really hate school. Hate attending lectures and tutorials (although my tutorials have not started yet). Because that means no more time for shopping, no more time for buffets, no more time to have a good rest, no more time to relax, no more time to play, no more time to dream, no more time to waste...

The feeling is like...Cinderella was dancing with her prince and then the clock struck twelve and she was forced to leave. Yes, FORCED. No other choice.

I guess the only time I'll enjoy in school would be my break times and during Muay Thai trainings? Other than that, I don't even want to think about it. I dread school as much as I hate taking medicine..especially the syrup ones (err, is that a weird comparison? whatever). 

I was on my way home today and fall asleep. I woke up with a really bad sore throat. Just suddenly. I'm sure I was fine before that, and was still laughing and shouting for the Year 1s to join our cca during the cca fiesta.  Maybe... that's the reason for my sore throat now? Well anyway, it's really hurting a lot, still do now. I don't know what to do besides spamming water. 

Before I slept, things started to invade, into my mind. I felt lonely, really lonely. And the funny thing was, I got 2 friends with me on the bus! Yet, I still felt extremely lonely. I started to think, "Is there anyone in this world who really understands me? Nobody seem to understand me. Nobody knows the way I feel, what I'm thinking, my intentions, everything. Smiling and laughing does not mean I have no worries, does not mean I do not care about the matter, does not mean I am not affected by what has happened or ignoring it. Smiling and laughing is just a way I choose to face something I'm not comfortable with, upset with, angry with. But of course, it's not all the time that  I will choose to use smile and laugh method. 

What's more disheartening is when the person whom you think you are closest with, whom you think would be able to understand you the most, no longer understands you, or maybe, has never understood you. I don't know. 

I really enjoy every training I had in muay thai, and would love to attend every trainings. But it takes me almost 1.5 hours to travel from school back home. I take bus to an mrt station nearest to the area where I live, then train to the place where I got bus that reaches to the bus stop nearest to my house. (Because my parents don't want me to walk such a long route home alone, especially in the dark. So that's the shortest way) My trainings end at around 9 and by the time I shower,pack and walk to the bus stop it's about ten. AND I HAVE TO REACH HOME BY 11. Even during my holiday. By the time I reach the train station it's around 1040 or sometimes even later depend on the bus. The moment I get down the train I walk(almost running) to the bus interchange. As soon as I step in the interchange I would look out for the bus to check if it has arrived (it is quite a distant to reach the queue for my bus. I have to run for the bus almost every time, I don't know why I'm so unlucky to have to face this kind of shit. For what? So that I won't be home late. There was once I reached home for less than 15mins late and I got scolded. I was allowed to attend for all the trainings during my holiday but only can go for once a week when school starts. My parents don't want me to get too tired as it might affect my studies. Because I have 9am lessons the next day. It really sucks to stay so far from school. 

Every morning, I take around 15-20 mins to walk to the train station and forced myself to squeeze in the train. THE TRAIN IS FOREVER PACKED. What's wrong with the transport system. I don't want to describe any further. 

I'm really tired. This level of fatigue and it's only the first week of school. Who can tell me how am I suppose to survive through this? 

I always feel inferior to the others. I'm not specially good at anything. My mum asked me why my boyfriend chose me out of so many other girls out there when he has so many good points, so many talents? He definitely can find a girl better than me, why'd he choose me? I always answer her with a "I don't know" and act like I don't care. But the truth is, I did not let myself to think about it. Because I know, the more I think about it, the more insecure I will get. For what? Why let myself upset and create troubles that wasn't even there at the first place? (at least I'm happy with the current state). But she has to mention it. I guess she has good intention, to prepare me for the unexpected (which I hope will never happen). But really, her "reminder" has lead me to ponder..... 

I'm lost now. 

Holidays Part.1

A saturday spent at Bry's.

Since we only get to celebrate chinese new year for like 3 or 4 pathetic days only, we spent our last day of the lunar new year mahjong-ing at bry's place (: 

Me with bry's polka-dotted bunny.

I super love it cuz it's so nice to hug!!

I hugged it throughout the whole mahjong session haha. 

Working days. 

Telemarketing is such a boring and stressful job I don't think I'll be able to work for so long if not for its pay. Well, the pay is not really THAT good but I think is a lil higher than average and also, the people there treat me quite nice too.

 Treats from the people there hehe. 

My welcomeback-drink,Iced Americano and muffin.

 Everyone draws/doodles when they got really bored.

Shabu shabu buffet at Suki-ya.

Since I'm working and having trainings on my weekdays, weekends are the only time I can take a break and enjoy a real holiday~ This is how I spend my Saturdays: 

9.30am - 1.30pm work 

after that: party time! 

But I can't remember when was this hehe so I shall just assume it's a sat? I only know it's after my work and we decided to eat this. I have a love-hate relationship with buffets ): 

After the buffet, we went to St. Games for some games!! It's so stress relieving and fun!!!!! Oh, and good for digestion after stuffing all the food in our stomachs LOL. 

 2 soup base choices. We chose kimuchi and sukiyaki. 

Just like what we had that time after our changi cycling haha. 

It's been 6months? or 4. 

 Beast mode! 

Meat in soup or Soup in meat?

Self made frozen yogurt topped with fresh fruits.

Kiwi + grapes + blueberries. 

Something nice and healthy to snack on during hot days. 

Not the usual working day.

It's Sharon's birthday and so we had our lunch at Jack's Place. My first time there and I did not even know it's her birthday till they gave her surprise cake and specially requested to play a birthday song. So stupid of me for not sensing something different when they suddenly bring us there to eat when we usually have a our lunch only from the zi char stall downstairs our office. 

Shiitake mushroom soup.

 Chicken chop w spicy tomato sauce. 

My Sundays belong to my mum.

It has been long since my mum cooked for us as we are busy most of the time and Sunday is her only rest day, so usually we just dine outside or take away. Sorta miss her cooking haha.

 Dory fish, spinach and seaweed soup.

All my fav dishes! 

 Bought this with yz after my work and our dinner. 

've been wanting to try this since forever and finally.

but it didn't really taste as nice as I thought.

Willing to try other flavours some other time though! 

Chocolate chocolate and Red Velvet.  

 Shikkek day = MEAT day = fatty day!  

Took a day off on a Wednesday to have this!! Yes, korean bbq. I think it's quite worth it (: Everything seems good for me except for the fact that we STINK after that. The ambiance is good and they have a television playing kpop performances (!!!) Too bad we sat too far away so I could not watch clearly ):  I was amazed by how fast and skilfully the staff there change our aluminium foil! The service there is really efficient *thumbs up* 

 Even their chopsticks and spoons are those used in Korea kind!

Add a lot of points for this place hehehehehe. 

I'm a fan of the long and flat metal chopsticks and spoon :P

 While the other two guys busy swallowing their meat, 

I'm wrapping this patiently and eating it well and nicely.

 Their soup is also yummy! 

But did not drink much cuz it makes one feel full easier. 

 Samgyupsal ~~~

Hi pretty berries, "hair-cut" for you? 

 Packed some fruits to work to keep me awake and not feel hungry so easily. 

Dou sha pia treated by the people there again~ 

They keep feeding me food by using the excuse that I am still growing... which I think I've stopped. -_-

9th March 2013 with my favourite boy ♥

After my work that day, we met at Novena Square to have our lunch before heading to Gardens by the Bay and we saw this!!!!  ↓↓↓

 Beauty and the Beast. 

Belle's gown!! 

So pretty and looks totally the same!

 THAT rose. Super love it *_*

 Snow White! 

And yes, that magic mirror behind is REALLY creepy.

 Oh, I hated this stupid bird since the first time I watched Snow White. 

Remember how stupidly I used to always hit the screen whenever this bird appears in the show.

 The poisonous apple.

 Cinderella! 

One of my favourite Fairytale. 

The one I like most is Sleeping Beauty but I don't know why they never display it!!! I was disappointed for a moment ): 

 Hehehe the friends of Cinderella! 

 Without this, can the Prince and Cinderella still get together?

 Reached Garden by the Bay and it was raining so heavily but luckily it did not last that long. The weather is just nice after that ^^

 They have really cute chairs over there!! 

 Pink flowers fallen all over the place.

Still pretty.

 Haha was playing with the app.

 From there, we can see the Singapore Flyer.

And that's when we decided to go there later that evening. 

WE ARE THAT COOL. hahaha

 Looks like part of the sky cracked huh?

 dragonfly dragonfly!

 He cannot control his laughter! hahaha.

 Pretty flowers in the bushes~ 

Had our dinner at MBS and then when we were about to head to the flyer we saw some musical thingy outside! It was soooooooo pretty I just stopped and watched till the whole thing over. I was totally fascinated by the bubbles hahaha. (I always squeaked and gets very excited whenever I see bubbles ever since I was a kid) 

 The photo is bad but I swear it's damn nice real live. 

 Everyone was crowding around while we stood further and still able to see the pretty lights clearly. hehe

Last stop of the day: Singapore Flyer! Was super excited as it was my first time! ^^

Our tickets!

 Actually... who can tell me what is this thing? ._.

 Okay that's it, we are leaving Singapore, bye everyone!

HOW I WISH I GOT THE CHANCE TO SAY THAT.

It looks like we going on a plane huh? hahaha

Yaya continuing dreaming, Jingyi. 

BUT BUT. got the feel right?!!

Queueing to enter the capsule.

 view from the top~ 

Dinner at Ayam Penyet. 

 Their ice chendol is awesomeee!

Totally love it. 

 They wrap all the spoon so neatly! hehehe so cute.

 Yayyy! super love fruit topped yogurt. 

Especially with strawberries ♥

A quick and short meet up with Qiannnn ♥

Lunched with yz after my work and before we met up with yq for her little pancake time hehe. It's been awhile since I saw her. JC people is getting really busy now as A levels is coming ): 

 At LaiLai! 

 Craving for beef noodles: Satisfied! 

 Because we were so full from our lunch earlier, 

we only had double scoops of ice cream.

Chocolaty chocolate and green tea. Yumz!

16/03/2013 

Met yz after my work and we headed to town for our lunch. Then we headed to scape and he got his new mouthguard and mouthguard casing (: It's been quite some time since I last went to town...... during exam period? I only remember we studied there haha. 

 Salad from SUMO SALAD for lunch! 

 Smoked salmon salad. 

Finally satisfied my craving for salmon haha.

Love the ingredients here except the sauce cuz it's mayo 

and I'm not a mayo-lover so.. I sorta get sick of it easily. 

Warm Thai Beef. 

I prefer the sauce in this to the smoked salmon's cuz it's very appetizing and just make me wanna eat more and more.

 Queueing for ur dinner.

Authentic Thai food ^^

 I find this little thing cute HAHAHA. 

I don't know why but I like the casing? 

Am I weird? LOL.

 Tomyam is a must-have when you are eating thai food.

Padthai.

 My portion after mixing the padthai.

The food taste so good I ate all of them even with the horrible ulcer ON MY TONGUE. Having an ulcer is a nightmare,having an ulcer on your tongue is HELL. 

Honey Chicken.

 Finished our dinner with the Thai Iced tea.

 Hehehehehehehehehehhe.

Cheese and caramel. 

I can't stop eating them.

I'm gonna become a fatty even before the holiday ends...

Noooooo, this cannot happen! ):