I'll blame it on school re-open perhaps, for the reasons for me being so pessimistic,sensitive,hot-tempered and more and more recently. I really hate school. Hate attending lectures and tutorials (although my tutorials have not started yet). Because that means no more time for shopping, no more time for buffets, no more time to have a good rest, no more time to relax, no more time to play, no more time to dream, no more time to waste...
The feeling is like...Cinderella was dancing with her prince and then the clock struck twelve and she was forced to leave. Yes, FORCED. No other choice.
I guess the only time I'll enjoy in school would be my break times and during Muay Thai trainings? Other than that, I don't even want to think about it. I dread school as much as I hate taking medicine..especially the syrup ones (err, is that a weird comparison? whatever).
I was on my way home today and fall asleep. I woke up with a really bad sore throat. Just suddenly. I'm sure I was fine before that, and was still laughing and shouting for the Year 1s to join our cca during the cca fiesta. Maybe... that's the reason for my sore throat now? Well anyway, it's really hurting a lot, still do now. I don't know what to do besides spamming water.
Before I slept, things started to invade, into my mind. I felt lonely, really lonely. And the funny thing was, I got 2 friends with me on the bus! Yet, I still felt extremely lonely. I started to think, "Is there anyone in this world who really understands me? Nobody seem to understand me. Nobody knows the way I feel, what I'm thinking, my intentions, everything. Smiling and laughing does not mean I have no worries, does not mean I do not care about the matter, does not mean I am not affected by what has happened or ignoring it. Smiling and laughing is just a way I choose to face something I'm not comfortable with, upset with, angry with. But of course, it's not all the time that I will choose to use smile and laugh method.
What's more disheartening is when the person whom you think you are closest with, whom you think would be able to understand you the most, no longer understands you, or maybe, has never understood you. I don't know.
I really enjoy every training I had in muay thai, and would love to attend every trainings. But it takes me almost 1.5 hours to travel from school back home. I take bus to an mrt station nearest to the area where I live, then train to the place where I got bus that reaches to the bus stop nearest to my house. (Because my parents don't want me to walk such a long route home alone, especially in the dark. So that's the shortest way) My trainings end at around 9 and by the time I shower,pack and walk to the bus stop it's about ten. AND I HAVE TO REACH HOME BY 11. Even during my holiday. By the time I reach the train station it's around 1040 or sometimes even later depend on the bus. The moment I get down the train I walk(almost running) to the bus interchange. As soon as I step in the interchange I would look out for the bus to check if it has arrived (it is quite a distant to reach the queue for my bus. I have to run for the bus almost every time, I don't know why I'm so unlucky to have to face this kind of shit. For what? So that I won't be home late. There was once I reached home for less than 15mins late and I got scolded. I was allowed to attend for all the trainings during my holiday but only can go for once a week when school starts. My parents don't want me to get too tired as it might affect my studies. Because I have 9am lessons the next day. It really sucks to stay so far from school.
Every morning, I take around 15-20 mins to walk to the train station and forced myself to squeeze in the train. THE TRAIN IS FOREVER PACKED. What's wrong with the transport system. I don't want to describe any further.
I'm really tired. This level of fatigue and it's only the first week of school. Who can tell me how am I suppose to survive through this?
I always feel inferior to the others. I'm not specially good at anything. My mum asked me why my boyfriend chose me out of so many other girls out there when he has so many good points, so many talents? He definitely can find a girl better than me, why'd he choose me? I always answer her with a "I don't know" and act like I don't care. But the truth is, I did not let myself to think about it. Because I know, the more I think about it, the more insecure I will get. For what? Why let myself upset and create troubles that wasn't even there at the first place? (at least I'm happy with the current state). But she has to mention it. I guess she has good intention, to prepare me for the unexpected (which I hope will never happen). But really, her "reminder" has lead me to ponder.....
I'm lost now.
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